Tuesday, July 5, 2016

10 things to be thankful for now that Thanksgiving is over

Years ago on Saturday Night LiveSteve Martin did a bit in which he pointed out that he was thankful that grandma survived the operation; that chickens don’t come from outer space; that children don’t burst into flames when you mention the number four…
In that spirit, I thought I’d mention things I’m thankful for:

1. I’m thankful I managed to avoid getting pepper-sprayed, trampled, or face-planted by an overzealous security guard at Wal-Mart this weekend; but probably only because I didn't go within a mile of the place. I'm also thankful I don't work in their PR department. Wal-Mart spokesman Greg Rossiter said Black Friday 2011 was 'safe at most of its stores' despite "a few unfortunate incidents." Yeah, sounds like his job is secure...The Peter Principle in action! And their competitors didn't do much better. Let’s hope I don’t ever have a heart attack at Target.
2. I’m thankful I don’t live in Shawnee Mission, Kansas. Given my record I’d probably find it even more difficult than Emma Sullivan did to keep myself from tweeting something negative about the Governor; or worse, about the school district that tried to deprive her of her First Amendment rights, and then I’d be in hot water, too.
3. I’m thankful I never came to the defense of Bernie Fine, as his boss at Syracuse did last week. The tape circulating now that sounds like a conversation between his wife and his accuser sure makes him sound guilty. But maybe I'm just beingrastyphobic.
4. I’m thankful I wasn’t aboard that flight from Salt Lake City to Boston on Saturday when University of Utah professor Grant Smith "allegedly" began perusing child porn on his laptop. I wouldn’t want to breathe the same air as that guy for the duration of the flight; plus, I don’t have time to go to Boston to testify.
5. On the other hand, I’m thankful I’m not Dominique Strauss-Kahn. It was revealed this weekend that the whole sordid episode a few months ago of Strauss-Kahn allegedly raping a chambermaid at the (French-owned) Sofitel Hotel in New York may have been elaborately staged to get DSK out of the running for the French presidency. Using telephone records, security camera footage, and data from electronic key cards, investigative journalist Edward Jay Epstein has made a compelling case that the admittedly amoral DSK seems to have been a patsy in this instance. I’m going to have to start using the word “allegedly” more often.
6. I’m thankful I don’t live in China. This weekend they sentenced those parties found guilty of tainting the pork supply back in March. The sentences ranged from several years to life in prison to even a death sentence. I’m all for strict and swift law enforcement, but the death penalty seems just a bit extreme.
7. I’m thankful I’m not Miley Cyrus. I frequently joke about paying my bills by dancing on tables, nobody takes me seriously. But she makes one joke about someone smoking dope and suddenly she’s a junkie.
8. I’m thankful I don’t vote. The Union Leader newspaper in New Hampshire this weekend gave a ringing endorsement to Newt Gingrich, to wit: “Newt Gingrich is by no means the perfect candidate.” Meanwhile, Herman Cain can’t seem to get a break. Funny that no one ever heard any accusations being thrown at Cain until he threw his hat into the ring. The Mormon church is putting up billboards all over Arizona, not actively endorsing Mitt Romney, but showing smiling faces of nice people all saying ‘I’m a Mormon.’ The unspoken part of the sentence seems to be ‘…and I vote.”
9. I’m thankful I never took a shower with Jerry Sandusky.
10. I’m thankful that the day that the government has ordained that I’m supposed to be thankful is over.
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